Tips to Teaching Our Children How to Be Kinder….
Taking note of World Kindness Day by helping our children become the helpers of tomorrow.
November 13th, was World Kindness Day. It was first started in 1998 by the World Kindness Movement to “Highlight good deeds in the community focusing on the positive power and the common thread which binds us. Kindness is a fundamental part of the human condition which bridges the divides of race, religion, politics, gender and zip codes.” Many countries around the world are electing to honor this day and efforts are being made by the United Nations to institute a World Kindness Movement.
To help honor this day, it was reported that a hospital in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania dressed their newborn babies up in red sweaters in an effort to honor the King of Kindness, a.k.a. Mr. Fred Rogers. When thinking about kindness, one can’t forget Mr. Fred Rogers, his red sweater, sneakers and endless acts of kindness and encouragement for children and adults of all ages. In the article, “Fred Rogers- Look for the Helpers,” David Mikkelson, reminds us all of the sage advice that Mr. Rogers received from his own mother when he was very young. She advised him that whenever he would see something scary on the news:
“My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.“
Where are the helpers today? To whom can a child go when he or she is feeling scared, anxious or lonely? As both an educator and a mom looking out for the well being of children (those in my care during the school day, as well as my own children at home) is what I do all day, everyday. It’s an integral part of who I am, and do so without ever thinking consciously about it. I realized early on in my teaching career that the emotional tenor of a child plays a huge part of a child’s ability to focus and be available for learning. Additionally, the emotional quotient of a child is of equal importance, if not greater than their intellectual quotient. Can a child express his or her feelings? Do they know what the root of their stress or fears are? Are they feeling left out or alienated? What is the cause of this? Is it within their control? Thinking of others was how I was raised, my mother was a very active scout leader and my father was a stray cat, dog, snake, rabbit, bird, rescuer/healer. Growing up in a large family in a very small town, my sisters and I were encouraged to volunteer before we were able to apply for paying jobs. Our parents stressed the importance of looking out for others, and taught us that the human condition and the need to support one another is what unites us all, transcending all possibly barriers. I spent my summers volunteering at the town recreational camp working with all sorts of children, it was hot, the day was long, but the lessons that I learned were invaluable. Most importantly, I discovered that putting the needs of others before your own can be tremendously rewarding. When I consider the careers that my sisters and I selected which include; a doctor, social worker, a special education teachers (my younger sister Khara and I went into the same field of study) I realized the impact that our early life experiences had on our career choices and our adult lives.
Fast forward to the year 2019, we live in a very technological age, the time spent sitting in a face-to-face setting is far more limited than even ten years ago. Children of today are busier than ever, their days are filled with activities both in and out of school. Whereas I could go right outside my door and find three neighbors to strike up an informal game of kick-ball, today’s children need to schedule their fun through formal play dates and hang-outs. Their time is booked with gymnastics, tai-kwan-do, soccer, lacrosse, religious school, piano lessons, etc. If children are not busy with some sort of activity, they are spending time alone with some sort of technology- usually a phone checking in to see the latest posts on Instagram, Snapchat, Tic-tok, etc. I have had to limit the time my own children spend watching llamas run on YOUTUBE.
According to the Pew Research, the article,“Even Teens Are Worried That They Spend Too Much Time on Their Phones,” states that even teens are worried about the amount of time spent on their phones. “According to Common Sense Media, teens spend an average of nine hours a day online, compared to about six hours for those aged eight to 12 years old, and 50 minutes for kids between 0 and eight years old. Any way you cut it, it’s a lot of time staring at a screen.”
Working under the assumption that the average teen gets approximately 7 hours of sleep, 53% of their day is spent on their phones. That’s a huge part of a teen’s waking hours, and leaves little time for commitments both in and outside of school. Spending too much time on phones and technology also robs teens of the time needed for their own well being, let alone time to help others. Now factor in a child, tween or teen with special needs, who may already feel as though they are on the social periphery. Who is there to help them when they need it? Perhaps by teaching our young people to be kinder, we can help them help themselves and others.
I am a firm believer in that children learn what they live, cultivating this mindset takes time and needs to begin early in life. Helping children and adolescents learn the benefits of bestowing kindness on can be an incredibly rewarding experience for them, especially if they have had few experiences to think of others before their own needs. According to the article, “How Can You Teach Your Young Child About Kindness,” by Kendra Moyses, She explains that,” Teaching children how to be kind and perform acts of kindness helps them feel a strong sense of belonging and improves their self-esteem. Studies have shown there is a physical effect when we are kind that increases our feel-good endorphins, giving us a feeling of positive energy.”
Here’s a few tips to start off small and grow into bigger and more in-depth ways to develop empathy, compassion and most of all kindness in our young people.
Begin at home: While we all can’t walk around in a completely altruistic state of mind one hundred percent of the time, we can start to model kindness through our words and actions. I began my teaching career twenty-seven years ago, working for an incredible mentor and principal, whose mantra was, “If you’re not modeling what you teach, you are teaching something else.” I’ve never forgotten that sage advice and have tried to emulate that with my students at school and my own children at home. It’s not always easy, but it’s important. Whenever I feel as though I am going to flip my proverbial lid, I try to count to ten or take a few deep breaths. I also force myself to look directly into the person’s eyes, the act of being completely present in the moment helps me to focus on their needs and feelings. Once captive and no longer distracted by ‘life,’ I am feel centered and capable of bestowing more kindness and compassion toward others.
Volunteer: It’s amazing when you take the time to notice, it’s usually the people that have the least to give that give the most. No matter how little you may think you have to give, it’s important to volunteer and give back to others in some way, shape or form. This past summer, my son, Evan, who is on the Autism spectrum, has ADHD, cerebral palsy and a host of other challenges worked for our local parish to care for the ministry gardens. He (with the help of my daughter and me) watered the plants twice a week all summer long. It was a huge commitment, but one that Evan was incredibly proud of making. Even though on some days we all went home soaking wet as Evan became overly zealous with the hose, it was worth every second to witness Evan beaming with pride over his bi-weekly accomplishments. This experience not only connected Evan with his community, but also with a part of himself that he didn’t know existed. I truly believe that volunteering helps to build a sense of self-awareness in young people that they aren’t always in touch with on a daily basis. Providing them with opportunities to share their abilities (however limited as they may be) can be a very empowering experience for our teens, especially our special needs teens who may not always feel as though they have something to contribute.
Work: We are very busy people, like many other families, there is work, school, religious classes, therapy (physical, occupational, speech, social skills group, etc.) homework, choir concerts, swim practice (for Liv) family commitments, etc. If we all don’t pitch in with the household chores, we simply won’t have any food to eat or clothes to wear. Helping my children learn to complete a chore was a life changer. Evan loves to set the table, make a bed and even fold laundry. While it took awhile for him to learn, he takes his chores very seriously and does them without any prompting. Providing our children with the knowledge that their actions can help to make the lives of others just a little easier and better is incredibly empowering. Designating routines and regiments at home can also help to foster the development of executive functioning skills so that children/tweens begin to become more independent. For children with special needs, this is an invaluable experience.
Be part of a community: We encourage both of our children to join clubs that give back to society in some way. Through school and various other organizations, my children have joined many clubs, some of them include the Kindness Club, the Key Club, Student Council, religious organizations, etc. By being part of a group whose mission is to support the needs of others helps to instill our children with a sense of altruism, purpose and sense of belonging, especially for children with special needs who may feel as though they are always on the outside looking into a social circle. Being on the Autism Spectrum has made some of the clubs more challenging than others for Evan, but we work closely with his case manager as school to decide which would make the most sense. Being part of a club, has been a wonderfully rewarding experience for Evan. It has been a great experience for Taking notice of the shared human condition- needing one another is what binds us together and ultimately separates us from rocks!
Be Grateful: Just like everyone else, it’s easy to fall into the trap of playing the comparison game, the one where you begin to compare your life to that of someone else’s. I often fall prey to that myself. However, I’ve come to realize that it’s a fast track to a deadend, a rabbit hole of despair.Whenever I feel myself going down that path, I force myself to stop, and remind myself of all that I have, even if the list begins with a house with a leaky roof, a car that needs to be serviced, an ever challenging career, etc. Helping my children take stock of all that they have has also helped them to be happier and more content, and as a result available to help others with less.
No matter how busy our lives become, there is always time to take a minute to be kind. I am a huge believer in the notion that kindness begets kindness. Showing our children how to become kinder may lead to them becoming the helpers of tomorrow. Here’s to making the world just a little bit kinder, one word, one action and one person at a time!
Works Cited
Anderson, Jenny. “Even Teens Are Worried They Spend Too Much Time on Their Phones.”
Quartz, Quartz, 23 Aug. 2018,
qz.com/1367506/pew-research-teens-worried-they-spend-too-much-time-on-phones/.
Mikkelson, David. “Fred Rogers – ‘Look for the Helpers’.” Snopes.com, 15 Apr. 2013,
www.snopes.com/fact-check/look-for-the-helpers/.
Moyses, Kendra. “How Can You Teach Your Young Child about Kindness?” MSU Extension, 4
Oct. 2018,
www.canr.msu.edu/news/how_can_you_teach_your_young_child_about_kindness.
