Redefining How You Measure Success With Your Exceptional Child….
Recently I posted about how well my son fared at a holiday party filled with lots of new faces, sights, sounds and smells. My husband and I felt as though we had hit an emotional lottery. We were riding on such a high, it carried us throughout the entire day and night. On Christmas morning, we awoke feeling on top of the world. To some, it may not seem like much of an accomplishment until you factor the many challenges that Evan faces on a daily basis. In addition to his physical issues due to his cerebral palsy, Evan has ADHD and is on the Autism Spectrum. At times the three conditions combined can create the trifecta of perfect storms. Holidays can be incredibly tricky for us as a family and given our past experiences and wanting Evan to only meet with success, we try to imagine every possible scenario out in our minds, creating elaborate and very strategic game plans, alternate options, etc. Celebrating holidays that fall so close together on the calendar such as Christmas, New Year’s and then our daughter’s birthday on January 6th only adds to the impending challenge.
While we were blown away by the level of success that Evan met with on Christmas Eve day, however, we realize now that we should have modified both our plans and our level of expectations for Christmas Day. Traditionally, we celebrate the day with my family. The protocol for gift opening has become very long and labor intensive as our extended family has grown. Now that may sound a bit trite, it’s wonderful that we have 13 of our closest relatives there to celebrate and that there are so many gifts to open, but for a kid that has issues with focusing and attending, this experience can become exhausting, even unbearable.
To add to the challenge, I had forgotten to administer the mid-day dose of Focalin, which led to non-stop talking and some loss of impulse control. There were lots of people, lots of conversations and lots of stimulation. Being thirteen years old also didn’t help matters, no one at that age wants to listen to their parents, especially if they can’t understand how their behavior is impacting others.
Mid-afternoon, Erol and I went to drop off some of the presents and to feed our dog. We planned to return shortly for an early afternoon dinner. En route, I was so crest-fallen, I felt as though I had failed, wanting only to run away and cry for the rest of day. However, as we drove home, my husband, a man of very few words, reminded me that I was measuring Evan’s progress according to my standards of success. I needed to redefine my metrics and consider that according to his abilities and growth, today was also a success for Evan- he was engaged, alert and attentive. Evan’s approach today was clearly not as typical as other children his age, but the strategies Evan employed, the level of effort he put forth, and the willingness to relate to others was truly remarkable. He didn’t have a problem with it, I did.
Today, I was keenly reminded of something that I had already known, but had simply forgotten or perhaps wanted to forget and buried some where deep inside. I can’t impose a traditional standard of ‘success’ when evaluating my exceptional child’s growth. By doing so, I failed to acknowledge Evan’s progress thus far and possibly even limited his potential growth by setting unrealistic goals and objectives. Additionally by establishing a bar that exceeds his current abilities only contributes to Evan feeling unsuccessful and added to a diminished level of motivation-which has served Evan well when overcoming his many on-going challenges and obstacles.
Evan is a phenomenally amazing, unique, and ever-evolving being, whom I love more than life itself. When considering Evan’s journey, I need to think longitudinally and compare him only to where he has been on the developmental continuum. By measuring Evan against metrics consistent with more typical children I short-change him of all that he has been, is and will be. Rethinking my lens through which to measure his success can only help to further fuel us all on this continued journey.
Looking forward to the next chapter in our lives.
~Peace,
Kristen
