Ten Suggestions for When You’re Feeling Stuck
Warning, this post is not for the faint hearted. Before reading any further, I need to provide a full disclosure, if you’re looking for a poster child of positivity, an awe-inspiring role-model of profound wisdom and advice, even perhaps a perfect parenting prototype, I’m certainly not it….. However, if you’re feeling down, dejected, disheartened and just plain stuck, then I’m your gal. I’ve been there and continue to revisit being ‘stuck’ quite often. After thirteen years into this journey, I’ve come to several realizations.
Here they are:
1.Chill: We can’t always be cheerleaders rallying all around us into a constant state of positivity. Even cheerleaders take time off to rest. Find someway to recharge your battery, and if your life is anything like mine where our budget is super tight and already allocated towards mortgage, food and therapy (OT, PT, Speech, Social Skills, Counseling,etc), finding a way to relax has to be very cost effective- or better yet, free! When I am feeling completely stuck and can’t leave the house, sometimes I run myself a bath. I love taking Epsom salt baths. Believe it or not, there is something really magical about Epsom salt baths. My favorite is Dr. Teal’s Lavender Epsom Salt. There is something very transformative about a bath, perhaps it’s the process of soaking and then leaving behind all of the residue that makes us feel so much better. When I need more than a bath, sometimes I simply go to the food store by myself and just wander aimlessly through the aisles. Over the past decade I have come to do this on a frequent basis, so I have actually developed quite a rapport with a few of the employees at the local food store. Sometimes I will run out for a carton of milk and find someone that I know to chit-chat, whether it’s with Peggy from the bakery department, Diane from the deli counter or Stacey from courtesy, it’s great to talk about minor, incidental, trivial things. Just a small break from thinking about solving the world’s problems helps to alleviate a huge amount of stress. I might indulge in listening to my favorite music, and just sit in the parking lot to hear a few songs before returning home. If getting out is not an option, you could simply just stay home, linger, and relax in your pajamas and do ab-so-lu-te-ly NOTHING-even for just a few minutes every day.
2.Comfort yourself: It’s okay to feel your rough edges, they are what helps us navigate our experience along this journey. Whenever I’m feeling particularly on edge’ it’s usually because I am feeling completely overwhelmed, afraid, anxious, or all of the above. I’ve come to the realization that my rough edges help indicate tension, a place from where I need to grow, move and become unstuck. There are times when I feel completely disheartened, dark and full of nothing but self-doubt, disappointment and despair, questioning all the decisions that I’ve ever made. Am I raising him well? Am I too easy on him? Am I too hard on him? Will he ever become more independent? Before I continue to plummet down a rabbithole of anxiety, , I somehow remove myself from it all. I muster enough strength to retreat from the world, and swaddle myself into a burrito-like cocoon, where being horizontal is what my body, mind and soul need. I allow myself a ‘hibernation’ period which usually consists of a little Netflix or Amazon Prime binge-watching. Some of my favorite’s include “Escape to the Country It’s amazing how transformative a little change of setting can be, while I won’t be sojourning in Europe now or anytime in the foreseeable future, it’s great to imagine what it might be like to live in the English countryside amidst the green, rolling landscapes. It’s the old adage, change your environment, change your thinking….
3.Sleep: It’s amazing how much good a little sleep will do to rejuvenate the body, mind and soul. There are times when I am actually so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, and beaten down like the low pile of a scatter rug, that I don’t even realize how depleted I am. Times such as this, I will douse some lavender oil on my pressure points, curl up into the fetal position with my weighted blanket and A nap renews me, drifting off into my subconscious, allowing my psyche to heal, a respite from trying to figure it all out, be in charge and know what the next steps are.
4. Phone a friend: Sometimes my life seems overwhelmingly busy and my house so very small, this is when I very much want to put a little time and space between the world and me, so I will simply phone a friend. Whether that friend is also a family member, or perhaps someone that I don’t see very often, reaching out and connecting with someone else is a healthy distraction from my stress. There have been times that I’ve sat in my car during a snowstorm just to find a little space to talk and catch up with a friend. It’s a great distraction and a reminder that there is more to your life than your troubles. Simply calling a friend can serve as a reminder of all that once was, is now and will be. I always feel very renewed after calling a good friend. Connecting with someone else and their life also serves as a reminder that everyone has their own set of challenges and if given the option, I would happily select my own.
5. Window shop: This is an out-dated term, and one that is most likely never used by anyone under the age of 75 years old, but it’s meaning is truly timeless! I honestly can’t even imagine what I’ve paid over the years in regard to upgraded insurance premiums, co-pays,parking, gas, mileage on my car, etc. in regard to my son’s excessive on-going medical expenses. And while I will continue to move heaven and earth in order to provide for him, depriving myself on a continuous basis definitely takes its toll. There are times that I feel caught in a very negative loop of, ‘Why him?’ ‘Why us?’ ‘Why can’t life be just a little less challenging for us all?’ There are times when I am prone to feeling envious- even jealousy of other families who seem to be continuously renovating their kitchens, going off on exorbitant vacations and living in homes that don’t need a ton of neglected repairs. Over a period of time, it can be very exhausting to the mind, body and whenever I need to get ‘unstuck’ I allow myself some time to shop without actually buying anything. While I can’t purchase a new driveway or roof on-line, I can browse on-line, which can become a very dangerous habit. It’s way too tempting to fill a cart with a series of impulsive and unnecessary items, bought just to ease the pain of the moment. However, the result of these purchases can lead to further compulsive buying and a gateway to even more stress due to unanticipated debt. It’s way too easy to click ‘purchase’ and send the expense off to an invisible credit card. Trust me, debt leads to more debt. While I often joke about the fact that my children have better clothing than I do and that I can purchase an entire wardrobe from a store that sells loose leaf paper, kitty litter and garden hoses I do occasionally indulge in shopping for myself. I have found that sometimes just perusing a Home Goods, Marshall’s and/or TJ Maxx with one of my sister’s and looking at all there is to select, I actually don’t feel the need to buy anything. A grand purchase may include a pair of socks or a frame for $4.99, but usually it’s just enjoyable to look at everything I don’t need and remind myself of all that I have. The idea of not denying myself helps me to feel less stuck.
6. Get outside: If you don’t have a dog, consider renting, borrowing or even stealing (kidding!) one for an afternoon. It’s amazing how rewarding a walk with a dog can be, perhaps it’s because you can immediately see the affect the outdoors have on a dog. There’s something incredibly relaxing and rehabilitating about being in the natural elements, it’s the warmth of the sunlight, the feel of the gentle breeze, or the sound of birds chirping. Go outside and lose yourself to the natural elements!
7. Eat. While I’m not encouraging binge-eating, and have been known to over indulge on a few (or 10) black and white cookies, I have come to realize the benefits of eating foods that comfort the body, mind and soul. Sometimes when I’m feeling stuck, I’ll take the time to shop and prepare healthy, yet comforting foods. This may include hearty soups,salads, wholesome breads, and/or thick stews. Taking the time to prepare the kind of stick-to-your-bones foods that make you feel cared for, helps to bring a balance, calm and well being to your life and might be just what you need to feel ‘unstuck.’
8. Exercise. Please don’t stop reading! Once upon a time I was young, fit and bounding with energy. Now, I’m proud of myself when I walk to the mailbox, rather than drive! Seriously though, even if you don’t have a gym membership or a personal trainer, try to do some sort of exercise. Whatever you enjoy doing that involves moving, do it. Get off the couch and get busy! Start small by setting easily obtainable goals, if you plan to go for a walk, take the shorter path rather than the three mile course! Sometimes I will go to our local YMCA, put in some earbuds and watch an episode of HDTV while riding on elliptical or walking on the treadmill. I’m burning calories, getting a fresh supply of oxygen and upon completion feel completely ‘unstuck.’ You may not solve all of your problems in one day, but you will certainly feel a whole lot better after just a little bit of exercise!
9.Write: As caregivers to our special needs children, we often put our own wants and needs secondary to those of our children, families, work, home, and other outside obligations. As a result, our stress levels continue to rise exponentially, and it’s easy to find ourselves ‘stuck’ in a loop of negative thinking. Exposure to this on-going and often oppressive stress takes a toll on our well-being, we can lose sleep, eat poorly and find ourselves plummeting down a rabbit hole of self pity. Sometimes when I am feeling really stuck, I begin to write lists of things I need to do, want to do and/or hope to do. After creating lists, I often feel a sense of renewed hope about my challenges and struggles even if I don’t have the time, energy or money to complete the tasks. There are other times when lists just won’t cut it and I need to express my thoughts by actually writing them down. Simply giving my thoughts (even the ugly ones that you don’t want to utter aloud) life through the written word helps to validate my feelings, which then helps to make even the impossible seem imaginable. While I know that I can’t change my life by writing about it, I can change my outlook and how I feel about it. Writing helps me cope with the aspects of my life that cause on-going stress.
10. Play: Try to find some time to play. This is easier said than done, as if you’re life is anything like mine, your days are filled with endless list of ‘To-Dos.’ However, don’t underestimate the power of play and how rehabilitating it could be for the body, mind and soul. Since our children were born and when our schedule permitted we would meet my sisters at my mother and stepfather’s house for Saturday night pizza and game night. It was perfect for our limited budget and challenges that Evan faced in regard mobility and sensory issues. On the nights that weather or our schedule didn’t permit us, we would play a good old fashioned board game such as Uno, Chutes and Ladders or even Monopoly. Other nights, it might be an episode of Scoobie-Do or another show that they both enjoyed. Depending on where you live and your child’s mobility, you could go to a nearby park and just go on the swings or simply toss a Nerf ball around the yard. Take a minute to recognize all of the hard work and effort put in on behalf of both you and your child, focusing on all that your children can do, it will make you feel better about yourself, your life and challenges.
