Not Always Your Poster Child
Before having a child with special needs, I thought that being a good mother meant that my sparkling clean house would be chock- full of home-made food, that I would dress my children in only organic cotton and that we would introduce our children early on to a text rich environment. Now thirteen years fast later, I am still trying to navigate the alternate universe that I suddenly found myself in after my son was born dramatically 15 weeks premature. Now, being a good mother today has taken on a completely different connotation. Today, I ignore the rapidly multiplying dust bunnies, dress my son in whatever is clean and try to strike a balance between books and electronic devices. There are really stellar days and then there are some really challenging ones. I’m not always a poster child for inspiration, I am still evolving and finding my proverbial footing. At times, I am rough around the edges, dark and full of nothing but self-doubt, disappointment and despair tumbling through it all. There are other times when I want to hibernate and build myself a little cocoon, swaddling myself into a burrito with my weighted blanket and watch the afternoon sun sink deep into the forever Thursday sky. Where is Friday? Will there ever be a break? Beaten down into a flat pile of scatter rug, I try to find the energy, the enthusiasm and the way back up to the surface. A nap renews me, drifting off into my subconscious, allowing my psyche to heal, a respite from trying to figure it all out, be in charge and know what the next steps are.
Lulling myself to sleep knowing that tomorrow is another day, finally Friday. The end to another week. A break, a chance to renew, revise and revitalize. Consoling myself with the realization that there is little that I wouldn’t do to help protect, guide and nurture my children. This is a journey, one that I didn’t self-select, one that I sometimes find myself stumbling along on, but it’s mine and mine alone. I know that I have a driving passion to better the lives of my children, hoping to cultivate their minds and character into becoming the best version of themselves-whatever that might be. In the meantime, I still need to figure out who I am and who I want to become. Parenting any child is truly a tough gig, raising a special needs child can prove to be all the more challenging. Over the decades, there have certainly been parts of me lost in the mix, living a fractured existence. However, along the along the way, I’ve also discovered new aspects of myself: my voice, inner strength and resolve that I never knew existed. I’ve also come to realize that it’s not a sprint, but a marathon, so I need to learn to pace myself accordingly. While it’s far from easy, with enough hope, anything is possible.
