Not Just Crying Over Spilled Milk… Exploring the challenges of conflict resolution….
Looking back:
The month of August looms above all educators and school-aged children like an eternal Sunday. I’m not sure if it was due to the recent discussion about the fact that summer vacation is rapidly drawing to an inevitable end, or the fact that we’ve been diligently adhering to the rules of social distancing and limiting our activities, or perhaps it was due to the full moon, but whatever the contributing factors were, it was the perfect storm for a huge disagreement in our house last night.
A good plan:
My mom had taken the kids for the day to give them a change of scenery. They had just returned from a long weekend at my sister’s house, and I thought that they would be fine spending the day at home. So, I happily agreed to have some time to work on preliminary school work (as we are still not sure of the model for returning to school) as well as make some preparations for the upcoming painting projects. There is always so much to do in regards to housework and the start of a new school year, that my day was already very busy. Evan and Olivia had been getting along so well, it was a pleasant departure from the daily squabbles about privacy, the tv, and in general ‘being in one another’s space,’ for too long.
The perfect storm:
What began as an innocent joke on Evan’s behalf, ended up as a very long, intense and heated disagreement between Evan and his sister Olivia. Evan is 14 years old, has cerebral palsy, ADHD, is on the Autism spectrum and has a sensory tic disorder. He was born prematurely at just 25 weeks and has spent the past decade plus learning to talk, walk and reach other milestones that other more neurotypical children have reached more readily and with greater ease. Olivia is 16 years old, going on 45 and is more emotionally advanced than any teenager should be this age. Having a brother with special needs has helped Olivia develop an incredible sense of empathy for those who struggle. Olivia is a vibrant young woman, fiercely intuitive and forever advocating for anyone who may be in need ‘rescuing.’ This has been both a blessing and a curse for her, as she is often the ‘go-to’ person in her friend group, affectionately given the nickname ‘mom’ by her peers. Ironically, when it’s time to return the favor, not many of her friends are there for Olivia. The pain this lingers deep within my soul, wondering did I cause this as well? Has the proverbial apple not fallen far from the tree?
Back to last night’s events… Evan made a joke, which Olivia thought was offensive and then proceeded to react strongly to it. Evan was left feeling confused, he had been proud of his spontaneous ‘in-the-moment-reaction. Olivia’s reaction was not what he had anticipated. He was left feeling sad and embarrassed that his attempt at humor had once again failed. He cried, she yelled and then I began to kick into my ‘save-the-world’ routine and quickly began to run interference between the two. After about an hour of trying to help them resolve their conflict, I went a little cray-cray. I think all parents can agree that at some point, the essence of using a teachable moment to illustrate a point and/or lesson is lost the longer it drags on, especially when no one is listening to one another.
Reflecting:
Parenting is an immensely complex job on an easy day, and having two children with such varying needs and abilities can be even more exhausting. Often times, I find myself slipping into ‘teacher’ mode trying to honor each child’s feelings in regard to their emotional tenor and development. It’s a balancing act, helping Evan recognize what is appropriate in regard to setting, timing, social cues, etc. without diminishing his motivation to engage with others in conversation-especially where humor is concerned. He can be very literal, so many of his jokes are the result of that kind of thinking. Conversely, it’s super challenging trying to honor and respect Olivia’s feelings and sense of well-being while trying to reinforce a sense of awareness and insight in regard to Evan’s behavior. It often feels as though I am caught up in playing a never-ending game of emotional twister!
Sooo after feeling overwhelmed and exhausted myself, I went a little snapadoodles. I yelled and then felt badly about it. I watched about an hour’s worth of home shopping and sunk deeper into my feelings of sadness, disappointment, and frustration. In retrospect, I should have just pressed the ‘pause button’ and given everyone some breathing room. Each kid should have had some time alone, away from the heated discussion. I should have had both kids separate into different spaces so that they could have considered what they contributed to the disagreement. They should have thought about taking on the perspective of the other person in regard to their own reactions. Oh well, hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
New insights:
Now, that I have had a night to reflect on the situation, I have come to certain realizations. My emotional cup hath runneth over- big time! I’m not the keeper of everyone’s feelings and can’t attempt to do so on a daily basis. I have to remember that I cannot solve every problem my children encounter- I can listen and offer advice, but ‘owning’ every issue is only going to wear me down to an emotional nub of a human being and leave me feeling empty, sad and disappointed. I must keep in mind that I too am a work in progress, and will continue to develop my own coping skills. I need to remind myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty in regard to Evan’s early birth and it’s after-effects on his life and ours.
I’ve realized that Olivia cannot always feel empathy for Evan, at times she’s just needs to be a 16 year old kid, who responds accordingly. I think by constantly reinforcing a climate of love and acceptance, she feels angrier towards Evan and ultimately me as well. This in turn causes me to feel the need to overcompensate, buying her whatever she wants just to ease the guilt that I feel by over-parentifying her. Does the $7.99 per bag of mushroom and goat cheese gluten free ravioli or the $85.00 bathing suit (when I haven’t purchased one in years) help make the situation better? No, it just brings her a sense of fleeting happiness and me temporary relief from my own feelings of guilt and ineptness.
Denial- not just another river:
Last night’s events offered me a great deal of perspective. I am often so consumed with trying to convince myself that parenting two children with such different needs is always manageable is a form of denial. I can’t continue to avoid the reality that parenting a child with special needs is not the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life. I cannot continue to deny that at times it’s simply overwhelming, and that by being honest, I’m not giving up, just recognizing that retreating is not a sign of defeat.
Ultimately, I have to stop feeling controlled by my children’s’ feelings and no longer allow them to hold me emotionally hostage- it’s an ineffective way to parent. I too, am entitled to feel anger, sadness and disappointment. I’m not a machine and have definitive thresholds, by not honoring my own limitations, I too end up feeling completely broken and hopeless. I end up losing my voice, part of myself and then feel even further ineffective as a mom. I also have to enlist the help of my husband more regularly. He grew up in a family where there was very little communication, let alone the sharing of thoughts and feelings. His approach to their disagreements is to retreat and allow them to ‘work it out.’ This approach has failed on my occasions, so there is clearly some work to be done in regard to our co-parenting skills!
Rome was not built in one day:
The bottom line is that the next time (as I am sure there will be many more disagreements) I will respond differently. I will certainly consider the feelings of my children, but I will also honor my own feelings as well. By not being so controlled by their emotions, I am free to feel my own and as a result become a more effective parent. Last but not least, I need to learn to be as patient with myself as I am with my children.
